The Momasphere

7th dream

2009-05-26T13:11:00.000-04:00

Everyone said I'd have some strange dreams during this pregnancy... and that I have! I'd thought I'd share a few of the ones I've been able to remember.

I remember they started as animal dreams. The first odd and vivid dream I had was set in a seaside village and with channels of water connecting the ocean with the village, almost replacing streets, it seemed. I remember spotting Orka whales in the bay and seeing them fighting and eventually suffering some kind of massacre/mutilation. I began swimming the channels back into town to avoid the blood and carcasses, but the tides were pulling the awful scene into the village. At one point I remembered being completely engulfed in blood and guts. The disgust and matter of fact of it were simultaneous and I eventually was fine, climbed my way out.

Another early pregnancy dream was simply me watching a baby cow try to nuzzle an infant sleeping in it's stroller. The cow was cat-like in its attempt to be affectionate and gradually tried to climb into the stroller with the infant.

A few that I especially enjoyed were when my belly was translucent when a bright light was shown from one side. I remember a few times having this dream and being able to see the baby's position and rub his little head through my belly.

Once I dreamt, that just for a brief moment, I had removed the baby from my belly long enough to see it was a girl and then I put her back. She's not a girl.

A recent dream I had was a bit more amusing. I was being analyzed by a young lady who was a very serious participant in a dance related event. And she asked me to answer a few questions and then was going to give me some feddback. One of the first things she said was I needed to engage my abdominals a bit and added that I was a bit lax in addressing this area. I responded I was pregnant, in fact, 9 months pregnant! To which she replied, "oh, really? Gosh, how old ARE you? You can be much older than me!" "Well, I wouldn't know," I said. "How old are you?" "25".... and I laughed...."I'm 35" at that point she got about telling me her assessment. That I would need an E-F to the G ratio above HIJ and that this would really need a lot of massage oil. And that she didn't know if it would be worth it. Another dance/body analyzer came over when she heard this and asked what was the problem. My girl remarked that everything was in order and it was all because of my smirk. (hmmm, was I smirking? perhaps....) This second lady began to ask me a few questions and concluded that yes, a subtle smirk had in fact been detected. Maybe next time they won't ask me to hold in my 9 month pregnant stomach!

baby gear 101

2009-05-09T10:25:00.002-04:00

All I can say is that the mommy network is amazing. I believe we have been given, handed-me-around, or loaned everything we could possibly need for this baby. It started with the 3 huge boxes we were sent from my cousin, baby bassinet, bouncy jumper swing, regular swing, bath tub gear, body wedges, co-sleeper, and clothes and more....
and then the mother's and my dear friends began lining up what could be passed on and temporarily handed over to fill in the gaps of what we need. At this point we have spent no money and we have a co-sleeper for the beginning and a crib for later, a car seat with stroller, baby carrying slings of various styles and mechanics, a good supply of cloth diapers, an electric and manual breast pump, a changing pad, a bath tub, 2 actually, a diaper bag, toys, an electric swing, moving chair/bassinet thing, "boppy", a play yard, clothes for the first 9 months.... and then there's everything we've been given... diapers, bottles, onesies, more clothes, toys, baby food processor (cool), first aid kit, diaper changing gear, memory book, 2 glider chairs (one for Andrew and one for me!)

I am feeling so incredibly fortuneate that the material needs are here and we will be able to enjoy this new baby without the worries of how are we going to afford this baby!

I am a new member of this group, but what an honor! I feel especially supported and privledged. And I imagine the gratitude here is just beginning. I'm already looking forward to how I will be a contributing member! How to expand this momasphere to reach more mommas.

final word-Complete

2009-05-04T17:46:00.000-04:00

I had my final ultrasound today. And it's definitive, complete previa.
That's that!

the extended family

2009-05-04T08:30:00.000-04:00

Last night the Demings hosted a dinner/pot luck for Deming-Birdy friends Emmanuelle, Hilary, Joshua and, of course, Hugo! This was primarily for Michelle and Hilary and Manu to meet as they are helping to throw us a baby shower for Philly friends! But what a sweet night it was. The Demings made halibut, currently Andrew's favorite fish, we brought mushroom risotto, and Hilary made one of her killer salads, and Manu and the family brought dessert!

And we had a lovely time, relaxing and making friends, catching up, watching Hugo meet/play with Boyne, the dog. And when Hugo saw the tape measure it was serious play from that point on. He and Andrew measured door frames, table heights, dog tails, floor boards, complete focus all the way up to dinner.

When it was time for dinner, the tape was put away but not removed from Hugo's memory. Oh what a tricky thing it is to distract a child with full sights set! And although we tried to hide it, to seduce him with yummy food, it wasn't enough to break his love affair with the tape measure. And after a while of trying it seemed only reasonable to share our meal with his new best friend as well.

And we did. One big happy extended family.

My 3rd opinion ultrasound! My Ongoing Nightmare

2009-04-30T21:42:00.003-04:00

It is inconceivable the degree of stress all these appointments create in my world. I am fairly even keel and try to roll with the punches, but I feel like the amateur boxer in the ring with Tyson. Oh, my head!

I have been looking forward to this day for 3 weeks now. This will be the day that sets the record straight! Where the world is Jillian's placenta? Complete? Partial? Marginal? Mobile? Rooted? Hopeful? or Resigned? I arrive to my familiar location at 8th and Spruce. Dr Sehdev is still away; good third opinions need 3rd parties. I check in and mention I need to add my ultrasound report from Bryn Mawr to my chart. And then it begins....

What's your name?
When's your appointment?
hold on...
They are truly insanely busy with hardly a second to breathe?
What's your name?
Ok, when did you have an appointment?
Can you please step aside so I can help this lady? thanks.
(Oh my god... What's happening?)

"It says here you canceled you appointment."
Impossible.
"It says you called to move your appointment to the 21st and then called back and canceled it."
Impossible.
"You called on April 1st and called again and canceled.
IMPOSSIBLE!
I NEVER CANCELED THIS APPOINTMENT! IT MEANS TOO MUCH TO ME!
(Oh my god! Why is this happening?)

and yeah,
there I am with 2 ladies with no time to breathe telling me this is the story and they're sticking to it.... There's just no time today, completely overbooked already!

And I can see it coming.... "just call this number and schedule for another ultrasound" yeah, right for when? the week before the baby's due?

"No," I say. I 'm going to see Lynn and see if she can't help me somehow.
And that's what I did, I walked one block away to see Lynn and knew she could fix this.

And she was great!
She talked to me for nearly an hour. And made a call or two and we both played detective trying to figure out how this could have happened. I knew what I knew that I had never called to cancel and she knew what she knew which is even though they are kind of nuts "over there", they're pretty on top of things. Hence the notes about me calling and me rescheduling and me canceling.

After looking and looking in my agenda, comparing dates and erased penciled in appointment dates, I began to put it all together. April 1st would have been the day I was told by the Bryn Mawr Birthing Center to get another ultrasound. I would have been calling everyone under creation to try to get that appointment. Everybody but Penn Hospital. But I did call HUP and I did schedule with them and then I did call back and cancel because I had found one for earlier at Bryn Mawr Hospital. And as I have since learned, HUP and Penn Hospital, although different locations, with different, charts and phone numbers for scheduling, are essentially the same. When I book for one it as if I book for both or the other.... which is what happened. Instead of scheduling me for a NEW appointment at HUP and keeping my original appointment at Penn, they "moved" by appointment to an earlier date (without confirming) and then when I called back to cancel, they did just that. They canceled the appointment and I was without my follow up ultrasound at Penn. The one that now seems so incredibly important.

I need clarity and continuity and that appointment.

Lynn sent me home and I waited.
And when she called, she called with good news. I have an appointment for Monday!

Ok, maybe everyday counts here! Four more days for placenta migration!

intact or cut? that is the question

2009-04-29T12:20:00.003-04:00

God this pregnancy bit is good training for parenthood.
Andrew and I have had so many discussions regarding so many topics so far. And the top most difficult ones have been whether or not to get an amniocentesis and if we should circumcise the baby. Andrew has been a solid YES from the beginning and I had been a clear NO until this week and doubt began to course through my veins. Everything in my being is opposed to humans mucking around with what mother nature has put in place. I have always my highly suspect of the medical industry as a whole in general. Trusting to my own body to inform me as to what's right and wrong. Trusting the body's ability to heal and trusting that nature has created humans as evolutionarily perfect. I believe that which needs to be modified is changed over time and naturally evolves.

It's amazing to me that this little piece of skin creates such an interesting and somewhat emotional debate. I imagine most men in the US are of the mind set to have the skin removed. And as such, Andrew isn't unusual. Most of my friends who have male boys now have decided against this procedure. Which I find refreshing, fathers and mothers, deciding that this is an unnecessary procedure that has plenty of negative consequences: poor cuts, infections, skin bridges, cut too much, cut too little, they typically do not use any form of analgesic and have to strap the babies down so they aren't accidentally cut. Baby suffers but the doctors don't consider the procedure very dire and so don't bother with pain preventing steps.

All this and that why introduce such trauma so soon into this new life? Why subject a trusting soul to an intense affront such as this immediately upon birth? It really seals the deal for me, NO!

After our meeting with Dr Tapper though I have thought I should better research the pros and cons and ask a few opinions about it. The responses on Facebook have been interesting and helpful, especially the men who say they'd prefer to have their foreskin or who'd decided not to cut their own sons even though they were. I think the times are such that more and more people are determining that this is an unnecessary procedure and should not be done purely for aesthetics.

Another point that weigh in on the con side is why remove perfectly healthy skin? I can understand removing infected or diseased skin, but how can the medical ideology embrace a procedure that basically place a tribal cutting ritual in the hospital setting to justify its position in our society?

I trust that eventually Andrew will be ok with this and not place us at odds in the eyes of our child. I think initially it will be hard for him to claim any responsibility to this decision. I know he won't, but I hope that it won't be a point of division for us. I know Andrew and I will have differing opinions on various topics from here on out but that ultimately these differences won't play a huge role in how we raise this child. It seems these small discussions are needed to pave way for the larger more pressing matters. Whether or not we chose to keep our boy's foreskin does not make us good parents. If only it could be so simple.

finding a pediatrician

2009-04-28T21:22:00.001-04:00

Well, really it seemed easy enough. Andrew's doctor was Dr Tapper and he LOVED this man. He said he looked forward to going to get his shots! Wow! So this man is gifted with kids. I like that. And it turns out he takes state reimbursed insurance. A miracle! So today we met with Dr Tapper at one of his offices to do a prenatal appointment.

It was mostly to get to know each other and for me to feel him out. Andrew, of course, loves him! He seems conservative and with kids I think that is a good thing. He said things that brought me comfort, like he's not a big user of antibiotics, that he has an on call physician for kids' illness concerns/questions, free of charge. He generally is open to modifying the vaccine schedule, like he'll space things out a bit more if so desired. And he said that circumcision isn't medically necessary, that it is an elective surgery that the parents need to make the decision on. He did say there is evidence that shows a slight reduced risk for penis cancer and slightly low rate of STD transmission in uncircumcised men.

Ah the golden words for Andrew. Medical benefits! I think he and I will be on opposite sides of this fence for a long time. But at least we are in agreement that Dr Tapper and associates will be our baby's doctors.

Another thing off the list!

Meet the Doctor

2009-04-23T21:13:00.001-04:00

Wow, what a nice experience I had! I went to my magically-moved-ahead-by-Lynn OB appointment today at the Womens Children Health Services Clinic at Pennsylvania Hospital. It started out a bit hectic as Septa never came and so before I knew it I was going from walking block by block "waiting" for the bus to hauling ass to get to this incredibly privileged feeling appointment. Lynn pulled strings for me and now Septa was ruining it! I got to the corner of 7th and Spruce at 8:30 (my appt time) and couldn't find the entrance and thought I had the wrong address. Panic ensuing I called Andrew and then hung up when I saw the entrance was on the side of the building.... Heart was definitely pounding and I made it to the check in station with labored breath. Thank goodness she let me just sit right there while I filled out forms and she got a copy of my chart which I had in clutched hand!

Then I mentioned I was there by the help of Lynn and requested that if she was there I would love to see her as my nurse. We'll see....

The appointment went ahead easily enough. Blood pressure and heart rate taken, weight calculated. And then the trip to the bathroom, with a sterile cup and wipey. Hhhhhmmmm a noticeable difference to the birthing center. There you weighed yourself and peed in a little cup and did your protein trace and glucose screening on your own. Here a nice lady would be analyzing my pee for me. This is my preference as I could never really distinguish between the slightly bluish green block indicating normal range and the slightly more greenish blue block indicating trace proteins in the urine. And sometimes the block colors would bleed together and I'd frankly take an educated guess. Of course, I always guess normal!

The it was back to the examining room and time to get completely naked.... god, really? So, there I sat in a gown and in came the youngest doctor ever. She's probably a resident but sooo young, oh my goodness. However, very friendly and patient, not in a rush and this was good. She did a breast exam and listened to the baby's heart beat with a Doppler.... I noticed she had a little trouble finding the heartbeat. And I felt a bit strange about that. No one else seems to have any trouble finding the heartbeat. Anyways, she did not do a pap, um, duh... and it was wrapped up pretty quickly.

She did review my chart with me and noticed Bywn Mawr's ultrasound noting complete previa and ordered a cesarean for week 39. Then said because I have another ultrasound scheduled for the following Friday they could review things week by week. Meaning by the slim chance the placenta moves the cesarean will be canceled.

Then off to meet Lynn. What a great lady. She really took her time, reviewed my chart with me again.... and called to schedule my cesarean. There it is.... On the O.R. schedule.... June 12th at 1 pm. Even with all this I'm still hopeful that Bryn Mawr was wrong and the placenta is steadily making it's way upward. Even now, with dates on calendars, with Mom's told and talk of plane tickets starting, with all this, I am still a teeny tiny bit hopeful that we can just let the baby decide when he's ready.

Movement

2009-04-18T12:12:00.001-04:00

So baby is getting bigger and his movements much more dramatic! It's crazy how quick he can move and that he prefers to have his head down and tickle my pubic bone and pluck my inguinal ligaments. uuugh, that feels weird. "What are you doing?"

Of course, I'm happy he's an active boy and I wonder just how much room he has in there... It must be a lot because I swear he still does complete laps in the uterus. He'll be butt up, then sideways across the bottom of my belly, then way over to the right and I'll lay on my left side again to get him back on the left. He really doesn't like it much anymore if I'm completely on my back. It's like he using Wilson as a punching bag, bumbumbumbumbumbumbumbumbum! OOOoowhoa, ok, I'll roll over, dude. Andrew can even feel him move when we are lying side by side or tucked in comfortably on the couch. Yep, that was the baby! It's pretty amazing.

The baby's not the only thing moving. As of April 30th we will be in our new home! And as of now we are up to our bellies in boxes. And Andrew is both working full time and completing renovations on our new place, painting and moving whatever boxes I have filled, ready to go... It's crazy. When we're not at work we are at home, old or new, packing, loading, unloading, painting, spackling, cleaning....God what a difference having a big belly makes in this process. It actually drives me a bit crazy. I feel strong and capable but I've been repeatedly told "DO NOT LIFT HEAVY THINGS" so I don't. I just make heavy boxes and Andrew lifts them and puts them in our new place where they are out of the way. And that's how we go....

the Awesome Lynn

2009-04-17T19:50:00.001-04:00

Today was a turning point for me! I was feeling so crazy about my next prenatal visit being a monthplus away and a bit like an orphan in limbo between two fairly anonymous care providers. Yes, the midwives are great at the BMBC but they aren't mine anymore nor do I have a doctor that I trust and feel good about. I woke up with the thought that today was gonna super suck. Having to drive allll the way out there again and hear why I have to get medical care and pick up my chart and say outie to my dream of a natural, homey like birth....

Well, that does still suck, actually.

So, I'm doing my morning-get-ready-for-the-day business and Andrew is on the phone with Dr Tapper, his pediatrician from childhood. I'd asked him to call Dr Tapper just because I'd thought well, maybe he knows a few things more than we do. And indeed he did, like the name of another health clinic, Women Children Health Services, at Penn Hospital. I got right on the phone to them. Fingers crossed.... I got an appointment for May 4th! A whole week earlier! This seemed better already somehow. Crazy how I'm just beginning to accept my fate, but not before asking to speak with the triage nurse. (I'd learned from my call to HUP that these people, the nurses, may actually be able to do something, at least more than the scheduling operators, that's for sure.) So I was connected to the desk of Lynn. "Hi, My name is Jillian Bird and I have recently been diagnosed with complete previa......." and on went my tale. "If there's anything you can do....."

So there. My attempt at making things better than they already are. To not just accept my fate. Or be a voiceless, welfare mom lost thick in the system, over strained and under resourced. Lynn would be discussing my situation with her manager and calling me back.

And then I set off for my visit to BMBC. Would this be my last? Could I continue to get prenatal care even though I was to be changing care providers asap? Little orphan Jilly. I felt so small. So powerless.

So there I was in the waiting room at BMBC when my phone rang and it was the manager calling to schedule an appointment for me at WCHS. Could I be there by 12:30 today?...... uhhhhh, it's 12 and I'm in Bryn Mawr, 40 minutes away, (bummer).... No. Ok, how about Thursday at 8:30. ABSOLUTELY! Oh my god! I have an appointment on April 23rd at 8:30 am. And then I have my next ultrasound the following Friday! This is great! This is perfect! Adios Bryn Mawr Birthing Center. Give me my chart, I'm outta here!

Ommmmm OB.S.......

2009-04-16T22:53:00.001-04:00

I haven't even wanted to acknowledge the reality of this week, but now with 3 days passed I feel I can begin to really feel what's coming up for me. Our ultrasound on Monday didn't give us the results we had hoped for. I had hoped for. In fact, the doctor who read the ultrasound said dooming news. That my cervix is completely covered, not partially, not marginally, but fully covered by the placenta. This is soooo not good. Sooooo beyond anything I'd expected to hear. What does this mean? As he put it, it's just bad luck.

And what is doubly painful is how hard it was to find this ultrasound appointment with this doctor. I'd spent all of April 1 on the phone trying to get an appointment ANYWHERE. I called the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania, Lankenau Hospital, Thomas Jefferson University Hospital, and finally Bryn Mawr. And the only date I could get was 3 days AFTER the date the birthing center wanted me seen by. Also, I was sure that in 2 weeks not much would have changed in the realm of my placenta moving upward. So, I was becoming more comfortable with the idea that I would likely birth under obstetric care in the hospital, but NEVER did I think I would be facing a cesarean birth with no option or possibility for labor. Complete placenta previa, complete bummer...

And now the calls begin again. How do I find an OB to deliver my baby when I don't even have a gynecologist? Today, 2 full days into calls, I still don't have an appointment. I've called everyone that's been recommended to me. And what is apparent is that if you are on medicaid you aren't gonna be seen by a private practicing obstetrician. As one lady put it, there's just no money in state reimbursed insurance. She also said she would look into a place that might take Keystone Mercy and call me back, but she didn't. So if it wasn't my insurance that was the issue it was that doctors were no longer taking new patients or they weren't taking someone (me) at 31 weeks! So, I'm too far along to get the care I need! This is completely stressing me out!!!!!!

Finally, I got a helpful piece of advice. The clinic at HUP, the hospital of the University of Pennsylvania. So, I called them to see if I could be seen....sure on May 13th! Wow, that's nearly a month away! And wouldn't it be nice to know who's going to be delivering this boy a little more than a few weeks before he's likely to be born.... well, great!

I did, on the recommendation of the scheduling operator, speak with the triage nurse and she said she would speak with the doctors and see if there was anyway to get my appointment moved up to an earlier date. I explained that I had all my records and would be seeing my midwives this Friday and will then have my complete chart. So, she said for me to bring this by after my appointment and they will looks it over and perhaps be able to move my appointment up.

Soooo, maybe HUP is where I will be delivering baby Deming Bird.
That's ok... you see I can only take what I can get right now. May 13th! At the clinic at HUP.
I'm exhausted....

Kripalu on my mind

2009-04-10T10:40:00.000-04:00

I decided to take a little retreat for myself and booked a stay and course at Kripalu this week. I know it will be a while before I am able to venture off and indulge in an away study as is possible at Kripalu. Also, I have been feeling like I've dropped the ball on self care and really need some built in good food and rest. I registered for a Prenatal Yoga for Conscious Birthing Teachers Training course. I feel this will be a good way to prepare for delivery as well as get some experience and certification for possibly teaching classes or courses or organizing retreats for other pregnant ladies in the future.

In addition to have some time away, some more food for thought and growth, my friend Stacey is there doing Seva and I am looking forward to catching up with her over these days.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So this is exactly what I needed. Already I feel so good.
From the first day it was yoga, good food, good people, good massage, good energy work, good classes....
I arrived Sunday and ran to the afternoon yoga class and found Stacey! Yay! What a great welcoming and a great way to work out the kinks of the 5 hour drive as well as reconnect with Kripalu. The subsequent days were a combination of hot tub soaks (very brief) and cold water plunges (only up to my thighs), great meals shared with Stacey, hikes out doors, yoga classes, course classes learning about mindful breathing, and positions for effective labor and delivery.

And what a great group of women we were in the teacher's training. Four of us were pregnant, two of us had recently had miscarriages, many were mothers, many weren't, all us of were yoga teachers and many of us in the doula, midwifery business. It was wonderful and our instructor held a good balance between spontaneity and following curriculum. I left feeling very excited, ready to share this knowledge with Andrew and further bring him into this experience. I'm so excited he will be able to really actively support me now, and I know he will want to know how he can help while I labor. Now he will have more skills as will I.

ommmmmm Shanti!

Previa, oh previa, where art thou previa?

2009-04-01T23:09:00.000-04:00

Today I went to the Bryn Mawr birthing center for our prenatal appointment. I left feeling pretty good about it. They were pleased that the placenta is continuing to change position and the fibroid seems fairly stable at 8cm. I went alone for the first time, because Andrew hadn't known of the appointment and he had lots of work that day. On my way home the birthing center called to tell me they want me to have another ultrasound within 2 weeks of the last to determine where the placenta is. They said if it is still "cover the exit ramp" as one midwife is prone to say, I will need to find obstetric care for the remainder of my pregnancy and delivery. Oh boy did that bring up the tears. I could barely say the words to Andrew on the phone... they don't want me there, I'm too high risk. But won't it resolve itself? Didn't the doctor say he thought it was highly unlikely there would still be a problem at delivery?

wahhhhhhh

Well, the only place I could get an appointment was Bryn Mawr hospital. So come April 13th we will know. I already have a feeling that we won't be at the birthing center. I'm ok with that, I could be at a hospital, I remember how it went with Manu's delivery there. We made it what we needed it to be. I feel with our doula and all we will be just fine. I guess I will have wait and see though, maybe the placenta will move on up in these next few days... fingers crossed!

It's a baby thing!

2009-03-30T21:15:00.000-04:00

We flew down to Jacksonville for a baby shower and had a great time! It was Andrew's second visit with my family and friends. Everyone had a great time I think, the weather for the shower was beautiful and Mom had organized an Easter egg hunt for all the kiddies. There was plenty of food and drink and front porch space for everyone to lounge and mingle. Sean bought a big IT'S A BOY flag for all to see and folks showed up with arm loads of goodies for baby boy.

Most of the day was spent in preparation for the party. All the aunts showed up and we were busy cooking and decorating, and setting things up. Andrew went about his new favorite chore of cleaning the pool and patio and with his cousin, Brad, began hiding Easter eggs. Yeah, even Andrew had family there! His cousin Brad, from Michigan, is living in Tallahassee and drove over to Jax Saturday night to hang and then stayed for the shower/party on Sunday! So cool...

The party ended up being a sort of reunion for me. I had invited friends I hadn't seen since I left to move to Philly in 2005. So, although a fast reconnect it was sooo great to see everyone, their little babes or two and just be loving everyone and enjoying the great day.

We had tried to do a shower game or two but I knew the nature of this day would be party with a kiddies theme. Sure enough, people just took time to enjoy themselves, relax and reconnect. The games were never played and even gifts sat waiting for their moment to be revealed. When we were finally ushered into the living room to open gifts we were surrounded by a see of pretty pastel bags and boxes. Oh my. I had no idea there would be so much. Andrew was also a bit intimidated by the task before us. Now we were front and center with an audience of loved ones. Let the opening begin!

At first we started to alternate gifts, opening one and then the next, but it wasn't too long before I noticed Andrew cuddling the heart beat bear and all opening ceased while he closed his eyes, soothed by the sounds. We opened bottles and blankets, booties and onesies, sleep sacks and hats, and outfits and lovies. We opened more onesies (yay) and blankets (yay) and sleep sacks (yay) and then there was the "thing". I began to realize I was answering Andrew's questions of what something was with " it's a baby thing" or "you know, that thing for the baby". To the point where even others laughed at my earnest not knowing. We received some amazing gifts and I feel this baby will be snuggled and loved up so much in each gift he wears, plays with or cuddles to.

I'm sad the day passed so quickly even sadder as people began to pack up and leave. I love my friends so much and was so happy to have been able to share this with them. I am hoping this is also a sort of bridging of Jacksonville friends to my daily life in Philly. Time goes by so fast, I want to stay in better touch with everyone.

Positive Vibes!

2009-03-26T22:34:00.000-04:00

So we just had our 28 week ultrasound. It was the first time I left the office feeling optimistic. Our baby is growing normally, and the placenta is migrating upward slowly. YAY! The doctor said he'd be surprised if it wasn't completely resolved by delivery time.... Oh joy! A positive update! And the baby is growing well, all within normal parameters! We also got more baby photos... the little face again (somehow these are strange and scary to me).... and the news that we are having a BOY!

We had initially decided to wait. Well, I had said at the very beginning that we've had our one BIG surprise, why bother with another? But then after further discussion we thought it would be fun to wait and so we avoiding it at our 20 week ultrasound. Well, I avoided it. Andrew, it seems, while we were being shown the upper legs was looking between the legs and was then certain he had seen something! And then began his 8 weeks of torture....is it or isn't it a boy?

Had he, in fact, seen what he thought he saw? So now he thought it was a boy but was not sure. Of course he wasn't, he isn't skilled at reading those images. Images my dad said resemble a recently driven through mud puddle. Well, nonetheless, Andrew was in mild agony and began asking whether we shouldn't in fact just find out! It seemed terribly ironic that our next ultrasound appointment wouldn't be until the Thursday before heading to Florida for a baby shower where no one yet knows the sex! Oh well, we'll have a surprise for everyone!

So yes, a big ultrasound day was had! We were given good news, and now know I'm growing a penis inside of me!

I hope all things continue to go well, I'd love to birth at Bryn Mawr's birthing center but if it turns out we have to be under an OB's care and birth at a hospital, so be it.
Come on placenta keep working your way up.

42 weeks

2009-03-20T18:49:00.003-04:00

From the beginning I have found it a little confusing and more than a little annoying that the medical establishment has set a very specific (yet not specific to an individual) time schedule on fetal gestation. The idea that one counts the beginning of your pregnancy at a time when you're not even pregnant is just simply whack! I understand that it's for convenience sake. What bothers me about this is that by starting off on this footing it establishes the whole initial orientation towards pregnancy as that of "simply for convenience." Convenience then guides much of the following pre-natal, and delivery experience. How many other procedures, etc. are done to construct a seamless, predictable nature to pregnancy and delivery.

Where this really eats me up is in the fact that medical protocol now limits a baby's inutero development to 42 weeks. Now this is the 42 weeks measured that includes two weeks of bleeding and ovulating. And therefore, no baby. More and more of my friends are induced because they are given (how generous) 42 weeks to grow and deliver a baby. Now we all know that children develop outside the womb distinctly. Some talk sooner than others, walk later, grow teeth, potty train, and on and on. But ALL fetuses are to develop the same. See, I just don't buy it.

As I round corner after corner of this pregnancy I realize the pressure I feel always comes from trying to meet some expectation of the established normal pregnancy timeline. By such and such date the nucal fold should be this small, kidneys this big but no bigger, placenta this high, weight this much, labor starts by this time, cervix opens at this rate, and on and on...

How can folks still be trying to reign in nature, and such an entirely natural process? I am healthy, and if all is fine with the baby. Let the baby guide this process. At what point can I begin to trust this new being? I believe this individual will do what is best for both of us, even now. Conditions are good for both of us right now and yet there will arrive a time when it will be time to change, as in all things. And change will arrive and we will go with it. Rushing things feels so completely counter-intuitive. And inevitably to more and more medical intervention.

I am not rigid about my birth experience, in fact I have no expectations. We still don't even know if I will be invited to birth at the birthing center, or if I am high risk and will need a cesarean. But I do know there's a perverse need to try and work the system, squeeze out one extra day to my due date. I'm trying to use all methods available to get on the baby's timeline. I am nearly 28 weeks since my last period but this little being has only been growing for just over 25.

Already this infant is under pressure to deliver results at someone else's demands.

Winter get away... oh St John!

2009-02-16T22:47:00.001-05:00

Back in my first trimester Andrew had the brilliant idea for us to take a little get away before baby and before belly keeps us from traveling. A bit of a babymoon! Time just for us with little babycentric thought! After some deliberation between one tropical paradise or another we decided on St John, the nearly completely preserved wonderland of the Caribbean! Andrew had gone to Cinnamon Bay when he was 16 and remembered it being incredible and vowing to return one day but with his girl, cuz it's just that beautiful and romantic. We briefly contemplated our accommodations before deciding on the platform tents! Yay, we would be camping!

We set the date, which seemed nearly a lifetime away, and got on with life. And as sure as time flies, the winter getaway was here and before we knew it we were buying an inflatable mattress! Now, just because I'm into camping doesn't mean I want to be cozying up alone on a cot! Beside, I wanted to have some comforts. I can do without hot water, but anyone who knows me knows I hold beds to a high standard!

So there we were, with great anticipation of our romantic, Caribbean get away! We just had our last obligation, the appointment with the midwife and then the next day we'd be loving it up in St John! So we got to the appointment with the report from my last ultrasound in hand hoping all was well. And well, mostly all was well! A few little things to keep an eye on, but nothing that should truly worry us! Except one day before leaving on our romantic get away we were being told no sex! What!? How counter romantic island get away!

Ha, figures! I actually blamed Andrew. We had just had a conversation the week before where I'd asked him if he was less attracted to me because of the many changes going on, to my body, to our lives.... He answered, without thinking, that he'd never really been into fat chicks! He then quickly added, "But, I don't think you're fat!" Well, good! But still, ouch! We had a good chat and then laugh about the many changing things, feelings, coming up in our lives. Yes, lots had changed, me, for one! I'm pregnant, there's a baby growing inside of my body. That's so science fiction it could be a little creepy, if it wasn't so normal and cool of course! There's the fact that we now live together, sleep together and see each other everyday. That curbs ones enthusiasm a little get it on every time one stays the night! And there's general not wanting to hurt the baby, me etc, just weird, awkward, maneuvering to change things up a bit. But the change is good! And the conversation ended of course with a little roll in the hay for old times sake.

But then there we were in with the midwife hearing her say, no sex. In fact, only first base! And it would be 8 weeks until we could run the bases as she so playfully added! That's very sad news to hear, but especially so before one's romantic get away in the Caribbean! It seems my placenta position takes precedent over all others!

Ok, ok but what about our trip!?
It was heaven and all that I'd hoped it would be... sans sexy time, of course. So beautiful and we had the good fortune to have the most coveted spot in the camp grounds. We were mere feet from the beach and slept to the sound of crashing waves and tree frogs every night! It took us no time to adopt island time and we easily fell into an awesome rhythm. Sleep in, yoga on the beach, breakfast at the tent, and then decide....uhm, snorkeling in what is practically a fish tank!, take out the catamaran, go for a hike, day trip to another bay!? Oh, the decisions. We did them all, of course, as the days unfolded. But most of the time we sat in chairs, soaking up sunrays and reading! I actually finished a fictional book! Bel Canto. A lovely read and perfect for the mood I was in.

We ate dinnr every night in town, another ritual that just took shape. Finish beaching it, shower a little, go to the camp ground bar for a drink (me: mango smoothie or virgin pina colada, Andrew: margarita) and then take the taxi on the craziest ride into town.... Never have a sen such switch backs! I never felt bad paying for these cabs, anyone who can navigate those turns deserves great respect! The best was riding the bus back into town one day and watching the driver make the tightest curved I'd ever seen a bus make, and barely make! with inches of wiggle room! Oh, adventure!

Luckily our days moved slowly by and we were able to sped time away from our lives as they are in Philly right now and be completely without an agenda, and deeply enjoying the time we had together. It turns out it was better that I had ever imagined! Even without deflating our air mattress!

I'm an aunt!

2009-02-14T18:58:00.001-05:00

Yes, my sister was pregnant with her child, born February 14th, at 3:29 pacific time, 6lbs 9oz. Little Susan Schell is a Valentine baby!

Interview with a Doula

2009-02-01T15:27:00.004-05:00

I had the pleasure and great experience of assisting a wonderful friend with the delivery of her baby over a year ago now. It was intense, trance-like, time suspended and each effort was repeated over and over until finally her little boy made his way into the world. I had no idea how I could possibly help when she and her husband first asked me and later she has said she could have never done it without both her husband and myself there. This was my first experience with the role and function of a doula. I was there to provide support and encouragement to both her and husband while the comings and going on the hospital took place.

It was a powerful experience on all levels and I was certain I would want this support as well. A dear friend in Florida is a doula and offered her services, but how to make that happen and work easily was a big challenge for me. So I began to think and meditate on my doula and how I would find her. But how do you even begin to interview a doula, how do you even begin to find one? It felt so right to be there with my girlfriend while she labored, we are friends first. How do you do this with a stranger? Oh boy....

Well, a bit of good fortune shined on us one night at a friend's going away party. We were talking to new parents about their birth experience, which happened to be at the birthing center, and how great the staff was there and how especially great their doula was!!! Ahhh, tell me more. And so I interviewed them and was quite happy with their happiness. I remembered new-dad saying they felt like they now have a friend for life. And well we were all friends one step removed at that party so I felt perhaps this doula was also already my friend, and more importantly this baby's friend. Needless to say, I got her contact info and emailed her the next day!

Shortly following, Brittany came to our house for tea. Friends perhaps but neighbors in fact! She lives on the next block over! Well, that was cool in my opinion. So, there we were having tea in the afternoon sun talking babies, deliveries, and generally getting to know each other. It turns out she also teaches birthing classes and is a lactation consultant. Her rates are very reasonable and she's simply everything I was hoping for. I told her this and that we'd like her to work with us!

First doula interviewed and hired! Wow, soooo much easier than I thought it would be!

What you talking 'bout Wilson?

2009-01-31T15:26:00.000-05:00

So just before I became pregnant I was diagnosed with a uterine fibroid. It measured 5.5cm and was easily felt from the outside. Humffgh, ok, well, how do I get ride of it? This began my very strict diet, that I called the fibroid diet and regular treatment of acupuncture and herbs to reduce its size and hopefully get ride of it. I had eliminated all sugar, caffeine, alcohol, eggs, dairy and wheat. Whoa and it was just starting to feel ok when....

Five weeks later I was buying a First Response pregnancy test at the drug store! One big YES later and it was "adios" to the fibroid diet! It seemed simply more important to be getting proper nutrients and fats at this moment! My first ultrasound, at 13 weeks, showed that the fibroid had increased in size, by 3cm. So it had grown approximately one cm a month. Holy Mega Myometrium! It was going to get as big as the baby I thought! Or bigger at this rate! I joked with Andrew I was going to have a ball sized fibroid sticking out of my belly before too long. And we laughed that perhaps the baby would enjoy having company in there. Andrew said it could be the baby's Wilson, like in the movie Cast Away with Tom Hanks. Maybe a little twisted, but what else are we gonna do but laugh a little!

And so Wilson was born.... well, so to speak! For so long Wilson held my attention much more than the baby. I could use Wilson, fully palpable from the surface of my belly to gauge where my uterus was. It was amazing how much movement was already happening, but I never felt the baby really. Most of the day Wilson remained tucked low falling well below my underwear line. But each morning I awoke and began to notice Wilson had moved. He would be way up by my belly button. Huh.....strange. And when I would roll to my side I would often feel a subtle shift, a flitter, or swoosh, along side Wilson. This I do believe now was the baby. When I would finally get up out of bed Wilson would settle back down low and I would pretty much forget about him until the next day!

Fast forward to ultrasound no. 2. It seems at 20 weeks Wilson hasn't increased in size and continues to look as though it's degenerating a little. In our first ultrasound, the technician showed us Wilson and it appeared to have a grimacing face. It really looked like a scary monster, with 2 dark blob eyes and an open jagged mouth. And our technician had to go there.... and said, "OOooooo, look at that scary fibroid crushing your baby!" Nervous laughter.... ahaha! And when she brought the baby to the screen we saw its hands up in little fists. I would too if I had a monster hovering over me! Back off, Wilson!

At this point it seems I'm not out of the clear with this fella. Wilson was always a concern to me. I thought how could a mass embedded in the musculature of the uterine wall not effect its efficacy in labor. Will it be able to get enough push power to push out a baby, am I going to have a huge dead zone during contractions? No one ever seemed to comment or have any concern about the fibroid. Except me. Until today.

Today we had our second visit to the Bryn Mawr Birthing Center. Everything was moving along, all was sounding good, heart beat, baby movements, my heart rate, weight, etc! And we began to discuss the many finding of my latest ultrasound. All mostly positive, with a couple of concerns. The first was Wilson. He's big! And he could cause a problem during labor! Ah ha! I'd always thought it might be the case! Second, it was determined I have partial placenta previa. Possibly due to big ol' Wilson taking up prime real estate in the upper uterus! And the other findings were the slightly enlarged kidneys of the baby! This will be of greater concern if they continue to be enlarged in later term.

BUT, it seems Wilson and the partial placenta previa are enough of a concern to potentially keep me under medical supervision and therefore birth at a hospital and not the birthing center. Bummer. For my next ultrasound here's hoping that Wilson has started shriveling up and my uterus has stretched and pulled my placenta up with it! And of course, that baby has no issues with its baby kidneys baby plumbing.

In the meantime, keep those fists up baby! It's time for Wilson to get the hint!

Ultrasound No.2

2009-01-30T09:49:00.001-05:00

Why is it so nerve racking to go to the hospital? I knew the next ultrasound wouldn't change our probability rating for downs but I just hoped for less unnerving news. Ha, silly me. So there we were in our second ultrasound appointment. Our ultrasound tech got busy measuring everything and pointing out the bits and parts that make up our baby. Little clicks there, typing in here. Putting together "a this to that" scale of normal ranges. Come on little baby, measure up, I thought. Not too big, not too small!

Finally, it seemed we were done. The doctor came in and began to give us the quick debrief. "Everything seems to be developing just fine, of course, remembering that 50% of all Downs baby appear normal on an ultrasound. There is a slight concern regarding the kidneys. They are slightly larger that we'd like at this point. The preferred range is less than 4mm and the baby is at 4.1 and 4.2 mm. This used to be a marker for Downs, but recent research has shown that to be inconclusive. (Ughhhhhh!) Of course, this will likely change as the baby grows into/out of this and we will just monitor this condition. If need be we will have a pediatric nephrologist follow up after the birth." What the hell? Ok, so what does this mean? Later I looked all over the internet to find that this "condition" is a size vs age thing. If the baby is 20 weeks they like the kidneys to be under 4mm, but at 21 weeks it can be 4-5mm. So, it's a slim difference that we shouldn't be too concerned with. I also, read this is more common in boys. and wouldn't you know Andrew thought he saw boy parts while we were measuring upper legs! As for the Downs marker reference... WHY? It just sticks it to me again. No, I did not want an amniocentesis!

Another bit of news, much more disappointing to me, was that my placenta is partially covering my cervix. Oh great! That could mean a cesarean, end of discussion. Ok, well, we'll just have to see!

So there's 8 weeks to get my placenta to move, my fibroid to shrink and the baby to grow into it's little backed up kidneys!

It's a...

2009-01-29T06:37:00.003-05:00

This morning we have scheduled our 20 week ultrasound. This day is both exciting and unnerving. Today will offer us a better idea if the baby is a-ok, or if there's a need for further procedures. I'm apprehensive about our visit to the hospital as I'm sure more challenging news will be passed our way. What else could it be? And as if ready to offer up something to worry about my body is not quite right this morning.

I awoke at 5:30 with a strange piercing pain in my upper left belly, a continuation of what started late last night. It's like someone is sticking me with a hot needle. It'd startled me awake and then I'd fall back to sleep only to be awoke again just moments later. Never mind if I was/am on my back, on my side, sitting at my computer or standing in the shower, the pain persists and now occurs with regularity if noticeably less severity. What the ?

I get to offer up a potential problem today. Great.

So this is the ultrasound that looks closely at the anatomy of the baby. Checking for symmetry and twos of everything. And today us the day we could find out the sex of the baby. A highly anticipated moment. Except we want to wait, much to the frustration of everyone ready to purchase items for the little one. A recent conversation with a Greek friend of a friend opened my eyes to another reason to wait to buy things for the baby. To fend off the evil eye. You don't ever want to assume the best for you might just be dealt the worst. Now, neither Andrew nor I are particularly superstitious so this isn't why we'd like to wait. We'd just like to be surprised and simplify this process a little bit. Of course, others would say we are only making this more difficult.

For example I'm being told my Nana won't be able to make the baby blanket because she doesn't know what color yarn to buy. And my other family won't know what kind of clothes to buy the little one because the boy might end up with pink or the girl with blue. Oh boy. And what about the always cute and gender neutral yellow and green. This we were told is the universal color code for "the parents-who-didn't-want-to-know." I suppose when the baby's 5 months old and only in greens and yellows I should expect people to approach me and say "ahhh didn't want to know, huh?" But who's to say people will only gift yellow and green? There are so many great colors left, Red, Orange, Grey, Brown, Olive, Creme, Maroon, Blue... anyway doesn't a baby look cute in anything? I say yes! And besides we only need a few things at first. Onesies and sleepsacks

Well, we'll see. Who knows we may get in there and just change our minds.

Good times at Mimi!

2009-01-24T16:27:00.003-05:00

It wasn't too many days until I broke down and went maternity clothes shopping. Now I'm not a power shopper by nature and typically spend 30 minutes from entry to exit, including check-out, when shopping. But I knew this was going to take some time so, with an empty afternoon ahead of me I went out to fill in the gaps of my new formed maternity wardrobe. I wrapped up work and went across the street to the specialty maternity store. I was very warmly greeted and explained the layout of the store, how to size oneself and sales/new arrivals that might be of interest. I explained I was looking for a few things for our up-coming trip to St John and just looking in general!

So I looked and found an exhausting abundance of that style I have hated since the day it was introduced even in my way pre-pregnancy days. That empire waist shirt, with the flowy skirt-like bottom. I found every variation on this theme; the short sleeved, long sleeved, tank, satiny, sporty, peasanty, frilly, geometric, fashioned with a ribbon to tie, or an elastic to secure or simply a seam to indicate this is where the boobs lie and everything else covers the belly. Oh boy this is going to take some time. So I dialed into my thrift store like focus and began to hone in... taking in first, colors and sizes and then filtering down to styles that seemed out of place in the land of empire waist.

The woman helping was actually very helpful. Taking my finds off my hands and selecting a few extras to stash away in my dressing room. She personally looked for dresses that I might enjoy while on the island and brought in a pair of jeans I thought were a stretch, no pun intended, for me, but I'd try them on. I was actually amazed at all I found. And doubly impressed with all that I bought for under $120. Luckily all the things I really liked were on sale. But even the new jeans, which I did end up getting, were very affordable.

My next stop was Daffy's to find a jacket I could fit over my belly. My winter jacket is so tight now that when I take it off I let out an audible sigh of relief! Not good, considering I have at least 2 more cold months left. So, after much laboring over my choices of white, brown or black, with sweater trim or not, removable sleeves or hood, and most importantly L or XL. I bought, for $30 a great hooded, down XL white jacket that I loved immediately!

And now I have my first full maternity outfit to wear out tonight! I great red sweater over a nice fitted long sleeved shirt and my new awesome jeans... ah to be able to breathe and eat with out discomfort topped with my new jacket! I feel better already about this season!

And the great thing is I'll get to preview my spring/summer pregnancy season when we go to St John. Fun! I just hope my bathing suits fit! hmmmmm.

Packed away...

2009-01-21T18:59:00.005-05:00

Today I succumbed. I truly embraced the idea that my body is going to do what its going to do and I'm along for the ride. It will be taking on forms the likes of which I have never seen or felt. As my belly grows I am growing used to the idea that I may be continually a little freaked out by my ever growing, shifting, changing body for the next 6 months! Yes, I'm freaked out. Well, I'm a little freaked out. Maybe it's because I still don't feel pregnant. I feel bloated, gassy, my skin itches, I can't go without a bra for the aches of the bosom!, a love napping/sleeping now more than anything, I am hungry and constantly thirsty. But I don't feel pregnant. (Haha, this is what it feels like?! And I thought there'd be more baby in this feeling. I've been told that's yet to come!) The thing is... I look pregnant! I have a belly and boobs to match. And even people are asking if I'm expecting so I must have those tell tale signs!

And to seal the deal, my clothes don't fit. Well, certainly not as I'm used to! Getting dressed was never anything more than grabbing what appealed to me for the day and then putting it on. Now, I go through many options until I can find A. something that in closely covers my belly and B. actually somewhat goes with A and can close or doesn't show if I leave unbuttoned! Ahhhh, I am ever grateful for the few maternity things I have already been gifted and loaned. (Thank heavens for past pregnant lady's generosity!) These, with the few items I can swing from my own wardrobe have allowed me to make it through these last few weeks.

So in order to reduce my dressing dismay each morning I have packed away all items of clothing that do not fit, and I mean comfortably fit. There were those jeans I thought I could wear but then I realized they fit if I only stood and didn't plan on eating anything while in them! So away to the clear plastic containers! it was much like packing up clothes of the passing season. I am now in the season of pregnant. It a season that lasts much longer than winter, spring or summer alone and encompasses a post-pregnancy period as well. So, I have my 5 outfits for the next 12 months! Oh, boy am I gonna hate these clothes when it's all said and done! I can see why so many people are ready to pass along their maternity wardrobe!

Away went all those t-shirts, shirts, pants, skirts, dresses, and sweaters. It will be a fun day to unpack all these things again! Right about the time I'll be ready to burn my maternity clothes, out will come the big plastic boxes of that prior season and viola! a whole new wardrobe!

Lessons in Love

2009-01-17T19:22:00.000-05:00

I have talked until I've grown tired of my own voice. I know the statistics of risk to do the next recommended procedure in relation to not doing it. I have read in my many loaned and bought books, scanned many tale on the internet, called and shared my gleanings over and over. 1 out of 40 out of 1000. But I noticed as I was telling the story of these tests results and my feelings and reactions to this information, once again, I began to feel a quiet glimmer of boredom. How could I be so obsessive? I was tired of hearing what I had to say. But what never wavered was my interest in what others wanted to say. I could listen forever to the many words of reason, encouragement and support I've received these days over what will likely be (98%) a minor memory of this pregnancy. My friends and family have responded cross continents and oceans to listen and reflect and give their opinions and support.

I am feeling the subtle and strong embrace of their love for me, for this baby and Andrew. Their confidence helps me feel stronger. In the face of anything I know they are already here for me, for us. And with that I know I can face anything.

I also have a feeling I am learning a first lesson of parenting. That no matter what I'm faced with I will never move into a decision with 100% certainty. More likely, I will have more decisions to make where 50% certainty will be comforting and 98% a dream come true! I think the more powerful component of this lesson is that my decisions are being made with the best of intentions. I know I am making these decisions based on my desire to hold the best interest of the baby at heart.

I realize all I can do is make a decision from a place of love and genuine desire to have the best results for everyone, the baby, me and Andrew. I can only hope it's with this intention that the universe supports this choice, this act of love and all will be fine. This is an act of surrender, an act of complete faith, an act of trust.

Typically, this would be no problem for me. I always had an ability to believe and trust in the divine flow of life, that all is ultimately good and I can surrender to this goodness. Also, I have always deeply trusted my body over the expertise even of the doctor. I have a deep trust and knowing in the information I receive from my own experience, my own flesh and blood wisdom. But it's not just me here anymore. I am now also considering my commitment to Andrew and the safety and health of a person I have yet to meet but already feel so responsible for, so much consideration for, so much care for. I am an expert in my own body. But this feels like I'm walking between day light and darkness. That I am a novice and should listen to the words of the experts.

So I am, my aunt, Donna. She was ready to discuss this immediately. In fact she already pretty much knew what I was going to say before I even told her. It's the alpha-fetoprotein test results coming back as abnormal. She went on the say that in all her 25+ years in as a professional midwifery nurse practitioner she has never found this test to be doing much more than causing a lot of expecting mothers stress. She soothed my concerns. Yes I understand there are risks. But I am not sick, in fact I am healthy, Andrew is healthy, this baby will be healthy. We feel strongly that we will wait for the next ultrasound and see what the results of this procedure will show.

I feel good about this decision. We both do. And I know this baby will enjoy, at the least, a few more days undisturbed in its universe.

1 out of 55

2009-01-15T22:24:00.005-05:00

Navigating the waters of pregnancy has seemed offer two shores towards which I can simultaneously aim. Both appear to have firm ground to stand on and award a healthy pregnancy and birth upon arrival. One seems to have a scattering of rocky outcroppings fixed and treacherous, with a narrow slip you must skillfully maneuver through to arrive. At first appearance it all seems perfect. It seems beautiful, challenging yet full of promise. But these rocks that appear to be guiding me into this shore are, in fact, deflecting my forward motion, necessitating sharp turns of decision making, other quick, nerve racking adjustments and stress and much anxiety and inevitable tears. Each time I embark toward this shore I feel overwhelmed and out of control. My trust in my own deeper knowing is lost and I feel that I don't have the tools to navigate such ferocious waters. I am alone on a rudderless raft heading straight for the doom and gloom of destiny, clinging to a glimmer of hope that all in the end will be just fine!

The other shore is broad with the gradual rise of land from the waters. The landing seems more about following the natural current than any moves on my part. I feel secure in my abilities here, able to see my destination but also able to watch each wave that passes and carries me forward. I understand the journey is not without its own risk but the risks do not seem to line up one after another or one as a result of the other. It feels that my vessel is fully equipped and I am gaining effortlessly, mind and body together on this trip. Hope and trust are the main guiding forces here not charged with the roll of the buoy.

Today I received the results of my second trimester, sequential screening. I was told I have an abnormal result, meaning there's an increased risk greater than 1 in 270 that the baby will have Down syndrome. I am at a probability rate of 1 in 55. And, of course, now the inevitable "what next" decision. What next? There's the repeatedly mentioned amniocentesis which can give a 99% accurate genetic blueprint of the baby or there's waiting until the next ultrasound which could give visual markers that might offer a more definitive indication if there's need for alarm. Is there really need for alarm?!

Once again I feel the information emanating from this shore is scary, devil in the details oriented and suspect. I breathe less deep. I have no idea what to do. I am of the 5% of women who received an abnormal result and I can look forward to the fact that 5% of the results are false positives and that actually only 4% of those 5% who have abnormal results delivery Downs babies. I'm not good enough at fractions to figure out what 4% of 5% is. 1 in 55. Less than a 2% chance. There's a 98% chance this baby is perfect. As Andrew said, those aren't odds you bet against.

But there's no way to know for certain unless I want to do what I consider a risky, invasive procedure. I've been reading a lot on amniocentesis and many reports indicate a 1 in 47 chance of a procedure induced miscarriage. What!? I feel this is completely unreasonable. If taking one's temperature resulted in 2 out of every 100 people dying we would reconsider this as a safe option. The problem is many miscarriages aren't linked to the amniocentesis. It simply seems to be a spontaneous miscarriage. But what troubles me about this procedure is the nature of it. It is invasive. I am already providing a safe, supportive and protective environment for this small being. I couldn't imagine breaking that trust, that security and sense of ease. When this environment is disrupted a perfectly healthy baby could suddenly potentially be lost.

Ugh, where is the clarity? the confidence? Where's the anchor for these swirling thoughts, fears, and tensions?

What to do next?
My body and mind both say a la cama! Off to bed! These thoughts will still be here tomorrow! This question still patiently waiting my answer.

Rounding the corner of 2009 and low and behold....

2009-01-14T16:37:00.005-05:00

I'm pregnant!
It doesn't matter how many times I say, write, think this... it still makes me kind of giggle and roll my eyes. Not me! How can this monumental occurance be happening without all the expected planning, organizing, preparation and intention. It is however, happening. Whether I planned it or not, whether I'm prepared or not! And everyday I giggle a bit less, feel less skeptical and a bit less like I'm telling someone else's stories. This is my pregnancy and my experience.

I have thought it would be great to blog about my experience with pregnancy and all that is prenatal. But as it turns out as much as I thought by now I'd have photos of my growing belly, I haven't!

But no time like today to put this into motion! I'm new to blogs, never really read one and not sure how this will pan out.... BUT it seems to be a great way to keep folks updated and have a record of these fleeting moments! I'm already in my second trimester, 18 weeks! whoa! Moments are ever fleeting or should I say warp speeding!

OK so lots has already happened!
Not sure if I should go back and update these past weeks here via journals and date books or just move forward from today! We'll see!

But most important to share is we've got insurance! And we've decided on the Byrn Mawr Birthing Center for our delivery. Last night at a friend's going away party I met a couple and their 3 week old who had their birthing experience at the Bryn Mawr Birthing Center. Their high recommendation coupled with another friend's accounts of her experience there has assured me this is where we want to go!

I feel there is a mystery to how you navigate the terrain of mommy-making. I've stepped more consciously into this process, truly the first trimester was about it sinking into my thick skull. "I'm pregnant. I'm growing a baby inside my belly. There will be a new being in the world soon. I am going to be some one's mother!" Yes, this is all finally sinking in. I'd say it's down a third the way....

Luckily, I'm reminded daily of this truth and I still have twenty something weeks to fully work this into my being.... I imagine the inevitable moment is when I see this baby with my very own eyes! Truly seeing is believing!