So just before I became pregnant I was diagnosed with a uterine fibroid. It measured 5.5cm and was easily felt from the outside. Humffgh, ok, well, how do I get ride of it? This began my very strict diet, that I called the fibroid diet and regular treatment of acupuncture and herbs to reduce its size and hopefully get ride of it. I had eliminated all sugar, caffeine, alcohol, eggs, dairy and wheat. Whoa and it was just starting to feel ok when....
Five weeks later I was buying a First Response pregnancy test at the drug store! One big YES later and it was "adios" to the fibroid diet! It seemed simply more important to be getting proper nutrients and fats at this moment! My first ultrasound, at 13 weeks, showed that the fibroid had increased in size, by 3cm. So it had grown approximately one cm a month. Holy Mega Myometrium! It was going to get as big as the baby I thought! Or bigger at this rate! I joked with Andrew I was going to have a ball sized fibroid sticking out of my belly before too long. And we laughed that perhaps the baby would enjoy having company in there. Andrew said it could be the baby's Wilson, like in the movie Cast Away with Tom Hanks. Maybe a little twisted, but what else are we gonna do but laugh a little!
And so Wilson was born.... well, so to speak! For so long Wilson held my attention much more than the baby. I could use Wilson, fully palpable from the surface of my belly to gauge where my uterus was. It was amazing how much movement was already happening, but I never felt the baby really. Most of the day Wilson remained tucked low falling well below my underwear line. But each morning I awoke and began to notice Wilson had moved. He would be way up by my belly button. Huh.....strange. And when I would roll to my side I would often feel a subtle shift, a flitter, or swoosh, along side Wilson. This I do believe now was the baby. When I would finally get up out of bed Wilson would settle back down low and I would pretty much forget about him until the next day!
Fast forward to ultrasound no. 2. It seems at 20 weeks Wilson hasn't increased in size and continues to look as though it's degenerating a little. In our first ultrasound, the technician showed us Wilson and it appeared to have a grimacing face. It really looked like a scary monster, with 2 dark blob eyes and an open jagged mouth. And our technician had to go there.... and said, "OOooooo, look at that scary fibroid crushing your baby!" Nervous laughter.... ahaha! And when she brought the baby to the screen we saw its hands up in little fists. I would too if I had a monster hovering over me! Back off, Wilson!
At this point it seems I'm not out of the clear with this fella. Wilson was always a concern to me. I thought how could a mass embedded in the musculature of the uterine wall not effect its efficacy in labor. Will it be able to get enough push power to push out a baby, am I going to have a huge dead zone during contractions? No one ever seemed to comment or have any concern about the fibroid. Except me. Until today.
Today we had our second visit to the Bryn Mawr Birthing Center. Everything was moving along, all was sounding good, heart beat, baby movements, my heart rate, weight, etc! And we began to discuss the many finding of my latest ultrasound. All mostly positive, with a couple of concerns. The first was Wilson. He's big! And he could cause a problem during labor! Ah ha! I'd always thought it might be the case! Second, it was determined I have partial placenta previa. Possibly due to big ol' Wilson taking up prime real estate in the upper uterus! And the other findings were the slightly enlarged kidneys of the baby! This will be of greater concern if they continue to be enlarged in later term.
BUT, it seems Wilson and the partial placenta previa are enough of a concern to potentially keep me under medical supervision and therefore birth at a hospital and not the birthing center. Bummer. For my next ultrasound here's hoping that Wilson has started shriveling up and my uterus has stretched and pulled my placenta up with it! And of course, that baby has no issues with its baby kidneys baby plumbing.
In the meantime, keep those fists up baby! It's time for Wilson to get the hint!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Ultrasound No.2
Why is it so nerve racking to go to the hospital? I knew the next ultrasound wouldn't change our probability rating for downs but I just hoped for less unnerving news. Ha, silly me. So there we were in our second ultrasound appointment. Our ultrasound tech got busy measuring everything and pointing out the bits and parts that make up our baby. Little clicks there, typing in here. Putting together "a this to that" scale of normal ranges. Come on little baby, measure up, I thought. Not too big, not too small!
Finally, it seemed we were done. The doctor came in and began to give us the quick debrief. "Everything seems to be developing just fine, of course, remembering that 50% of all Downs baby appear normal on an ultrasound. There is a slight concern regarding the kidneys. They are slightly larger that we'd like at this point. The preferred range is less than 4mm and the baby is at 4.1 and 4.2 mm. This used to be a marker for Downs, but recent research has shown that to be inconclusive. (Ughhhhhh!) Of course, this will likely change as the baby grows into/out of this and we will just monitor this condition. If need be we will have a pediatric nephrologist follow up after the birth." What the hell? Ok, so what does this mean? Later I looked all over the internet to find that this "condition" is a size vs age thing. If the baby is 20 weeks they like the kidneys to be under 4mm, but at 21 weeks it can be 4-5mm. So, it's a slim difference that we shouldn't be too concerned with. I also, read this is more common in boys. and wouldn't you know Andrew thought he saw boy parts while we were measuring upper legs! As for the Downs marker reference... WHY? It just sticks it to me again. No, I did not want an amniocentesis!
Another bit of news, much more disappointing to me, was that my placenta is partially covering my cervix. Oh great! That could mean a cesarean, end of discussion. Ok, well, we'll just have to see!
So there's 8 weeks to get my placenta to move, my fibroid to shrink and the baby to grow into it's little backed up kidneys!
Finally, it seemed we were done. The doctor came in and began to give us the quick debrief. "Everything seems to be developing just fine, of course, remembering that 50% of all Downs baby appear normal on an ultrasound. There is a slight concern regarding the kidneys. They are slightly larger that we'd like at this point. The preferred range is less than 4mm and the baby is at 4.1 and 4.2 mm. This used to be a marker for Downs, but recent research has shown that to be inconclusive. (Ughhhhhh!) Of course, this will likely change as the baby grows into/out of this and we will just monitor this condition. If need be we will have a pediatric nephrologist follow up after the birth." What the hell? Ok, so what does this mean? Later I looked all over the internet to find that this "condition" is a size vs age thing. If the baby is 20 weeks they like the kidneys to be under 4mm, but at 21 weeks it can be 4-5mm. So, it's a slim difference that we shouldn't be too concerned with. I also, read this is more common in boys. and wouldn't you know Andrew thought he saw boy parts while we were measuring upper legs! As for the Downs marker reference... WHY? It just sticks it to me again. No, I did not want an amniocentesis!
Another bit of news, much more disappointing to me, was that my placenta is partially covering my cervix. Oh great! That could mean a cesarean, end of discussion. Ok, well, we'll just have to see!
So there's 8 weeks to get my placenta to move, my fibroid to shrink and the baby to grow into it's little backed up kidneys!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
It's a...
This morning we have scheduled our 20 week ultrasound. This day is both exciting and unnerving. Today will offer us a better idea if the baby is a-ok, or if there's a need for further procedures. I'm apprehensive about our visit to the hospital as I'm sure more challenging news will be passed our way. What else could it be? And as if ready to offer up something to worry about my body is not quite right this morning.
I awoke at 5:30 with a strange piercing pain in my upper left belly, a continuation of what started late last night. It's like someone is sticking me with a hot needle. It'd startled me awake and then I'd fall back to sleep only to be awoke again just moments later. Never mind if I was/am on my back, on my side, sitting at my computer or standing in the shower, the pain persists and now occurs with regularity if noticeably less severity. What the ?
I get to offer up a potential problem today. Great.
So this is the ultrasound that looks closely at the anatomy of the baby. Checking for symmetry and twos of everything. And today us the day we could find out the sex of the baby. A highly anticipated moment. Except we want to wait, much to the frustration of everyone ready to purchase items for the little one. A recent conversation with a Greek friend of a friend opened my eyes to another reason to wait to buy things for the baby. To fend off the evil eye. You don't ever want to assume the best for you might just be dealt the worst. Now, neither Andrew nor I are particularly superstitious so this isn't why we'd like to wait. We'd just like to be surprised and simplify this process a little bit. Of course, others would say we are only making this more difficult.
For example I'm being told my Nana won't be able to make the baby blanket because she doesn't know what color yarn to buy. And my other family won't know what kind of clothes to buy the little one because the boy might end up with pink or the girl with blue. Oh boy. And what about the always cute and gender neutral yellow and green. This we were told is the universal color code for "the parents-who-didn't-want-to-know." I suppose when the baby's 5 months old and only in greens and yellows I should expect people to approach me and say "ahhh didn't want to know, huh?" But who's to say people will only gift yellow and green? There are so many great colors left, Red, Orange, Grey, Brown, Olive, Creme, Maroon, Blue... anyway doesn't a baby look cute in anything? I say yes! And besides we only need a few things at first. Onesies and sleepsacks
Well, we'll see. Who knows we may get in there and just change our minds.
I awoke at 5:30 with a strange piercing pain in my upper left belly, a continuation of what started late last night. It's like someone is sticking me with a hot needle. It'd startled me awake and then I'd fall back to sleep only to be awoke again just moments later. Never mind if I was/am on my back, on my side, sitting at my computer or standing in the shower, the pain persists and now occurs with regularity if noticeably less severity. What the ?
I get to offer up a potential problem today. Great.
So this is the ultrasound that looks closely at the anatomy of the baby. Checking for symmetry and twos of everything. And today us the day we could find out the sex of the baby. A highly anticipated moment. Except we want to wait, much to the frustration of everyone ready to purchase items for the little one. A recent conversation with a Greek friend of a friend opened my eyes to another reason to wait to buy things for the baby. To fend off the evil eye. You don't ever want to assume the best for you might just be dealt the worst. Now, neither Andrew nor I are particularly superstitious so this isn't why we'd like to wait. We'd just like to be surprised and simplify this process a little bit. Of course, others would say we are only making this more difficult.
For example I'm being told my Nana won't be able to make the baby blanket because she doesn't know what color yarn to buy. And my other family won't know what kind of clothes to buy the little one because the boy might end up with pink or the girl with blue. Oh boy. And what about the always cute and gender neutral yellow and green. This we were told is the universal color code for "the parents-who-didn't-want-to-know." I suppose when the baby's 5 months old and only in greens and yellows I should expect people to approach me and say "ahhh didn't want to know, huh?" But who's to say people will only gift yellow and green? There are so many great colors left, Red, Orange, Grey, Brown, Olive, Creme, Maroon, Blue... anyway doesn't a baby look cute in anything? I say yes! And besides we only need a few things at first. Onesies and sleepsacks
Well, we'll see. Who knows we may get in there and just change our minds.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Good times at Mimi!
It wasn't too many days until I broke down and went maternity clothes shopping. Now I'm not a power shopper by nature and typically spend 30 minutes from entry to exit, including check-out, when shopping. But I knew this was going to take some time so, with an empty afternoon ahead of me I went out to fill in the gaps of my new formed maternity wardrobe. I wrapped up work and went across the street to the specialty maternity store. I was very warmly greeted and explained the layout of the store, how to size oneself and sales/new arrivals that might be of interest. I explained I was looking for a few things for our up-coming trip to St John and just looking in general!
So I looked and found an exhausting abundance of that style I have hated since the day it was introduced even in my way pre-pregnancy days. That empire waist shirt, with the flowy skirt-like bottom. I found every variation on this theme; the short sleeved, long sleeved, tank, satiny, sporty, peasanty, frilly, geometric, fashioned with a ribbon to tie, or an elastic to secure or simply a seam to indicate this is where the boobs lie and everything else covers the belly. Oh boy this is going to take some time. So I dialed into my thrift store like focus and began to hone in... taking in first, colors and sizes and then filtering down to styles that seemed out of place in the land of empire waist.
The woman helping was actually very helpful. Taking my finds off my hands and selecting a few extras to stash away in my dressing room. She personally looked for dresses that I might enjoy while on the island and brought in a pair of jeans I thought were a stretch, no pun intended, for me, but I'd try them on. I was actually amazed at all I found. And doubly impressed with all that I bought for under $120. Luckily all the things I really liked were on sale. But even the new jeans, which I did end up getting, were very affordable.
My next stop was Daffy's to find a jacket I could fit over my belly. My winter jacket is so tight now that when I take it off I let out an audible sigh of relief! Not good, considering I have at least 2 more cold months left. So, after much laboring over my choices of white, brown or black, with sweater trim or not, removable sleeves or hood, and most importantly L or XL. I bought, for $30 a great hooded, down XL white jacket that I loved immediately!
And now I have my first full maternity outfit to wear out tonight! I great red sweater over a nice fitted long sleeved shirt and my new awesome jeans... ah to be able to breathe and eat with out discomfort topped with my new jacket! I feel better already about this season!
And the great thing is I'll get to preview my spring/summer pregnancy season when we go to St John. Fun! I just hope my bathing suits fit! hmmmmm.
So I looked and found an exhausting abundance of that style I have hated since the day it was introduced even in my way pre-pregnancy days. That empire waist shirt, with the flowy skirt-like bottom. I found every variation on this theme; the short sleeved, long sleeved, tank, satiny, sporty, peasanty, frilly, geometric, fashioned with a ribbon to tie, or an elastic to secure or simply a seam to indicate this is where the boobs lie and everything else covers the belly. Oh boy this is going to take some time. So I dialed into my thrift store like focus and began to hone in... taking in first, colors and sizes and then filtering down to styles that seemed out of place in the land of empire waist.
The woman helping was actually very helpful. Taking my finds off my hands and selecting a few extras to stash away in my dressing room. She personally looked for dresses that I might enjoy while on the island and brought in a pair of jeans I thought were a stretch, no pun intended, for me, but I'd try them on. I was actually amazed at all I found. And doubly impressed with all that I bought for under $120. Luckily all the things I really liked were on sale. But even the new jeans, which I did end up getting, were very affordable.
My next stop was Daffy's to find a jacket I could fit over my belly. My winter jacket is so tight now that when I take it off I let out an audible sigh of relief! Not good, considering I have at least 2 more cold months left. So, after much laboring over my choices of white, brown or black, with sweater trim or not, removable sleeves or hood, and most importantly L or XL. I bought, for $30 a great hooded, down XL white jacket that I loved immediately!
And now I have my first full maternity outfit to wear out tonight! I great red sweater over a nice fitted long sleeved shirt and my new awesome jeans... ah to be able to breathe and eat with out discomfort topped with my new jacket! I feel better already about this season!
And the great thing is I'll get to preview my spring/summer pregnancy season when we go to St John. Fun! I just hope my bathing suits fit! hmmmmm.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Packed away...
Today I succumbed. I truly embraced the idea that my body is going to do what its going to do and I'm along for the ride. It will be taking on forms the likes of which I have never seen or felt. As my belly grows I am growing used to the idea that I may be continually a little freaked out by my ever growing, shifting, changing body for the next 6 months! Yes, I'm freaked out. Well, I'm a little freaked out. Maybe it's because I still don't feel pregnant. I feel bloated, gassy, my skin itches, I can't go without a bra for the aches of the bosom!, a love napping/sleeping now more than anything, I am hungry and constantly thirsty. But I don't feel pregnant. (Haha, this is what it feels like?! And I thought there'd be more baby in this feeling. I've been told that's yet to come!) The thing is... I look pregnant! I have a belly and boobs to match. And even people are asking if I'm expecting so I must have those tell tale signs!
And to seal the deal, my clothes don't fit. Well, certainly not as I'm used to! Getting dressed was never anything more than grabbing what appealed to me for the day and then putting it on. Now, I go through many options until I can find A. something that in closely covers my belly and B. actually somewhat goes with A and can close or doesn't show if I leave unbuttoned! Ahhhh, I am ever grateful for the few maternity things I have already been gifted and loaned. (Thank heavens for past pregnant lady's generosity!) These, with the few items I can swing from my own wardrobe have allowed me to make it through these last few weeks.
So in order to reduce my dressing dismay each morning I have packed away all items of clothing that do not fit, and I mean comfortably fit. There were those jeans I thought I could wear but then I realized they fit if I only stood and didn't plan on eating anything while in them! So away to the clear plastic containers! it was much like packing up clothes of the passing season. I am now in the season of pregnant. It a season that lasts much longer than winter, spring or summer alone and encompasses a post-pregnancy period as well. So, I have my 5 outfits for the next 12 months! Oh, boy am I gonna hate these clothes when it's all said and done! I can see why so many people are ready to pass along their maternity wardrobe!
Away went all those t-shirts, shirts, pants, skirts, dresses, and sweaters. It will be a fun day to unpack all these things again! Right about the time I'll be ready to burn my maternity clothes, out will come the big plastic boxes of that prior season and viola! a whole new wardrobe!
And to seal the deal, my clothes don't fit. Well, certainly not as I'm used to! Getting dressed was never anything more than grabbing what appealed to me for the day and then putting it on. Now, I go through many options until I can find A. something that in closely covers my belly and B. actually somewhat goes with A and can close or doesn't show if I leave unbuttoned! Ahhhh, I am ever grateful for the few maternity things I have already been gifted and loaned. (Thank heavens for past pregnant lady's generosity!) These, with the few items I can swing from my own wardrobe have allowed me to make it through these last few weeks.
So in order to reduce my dressing dismay each morning I have packed away all items of clothing that do not fit, and I mean comfortably fit. There were those jeans I thought I could wear but then I realized they fit if I only stood and didn't plan on eating anything while in them! So away to the clear plastic containers! it was much like packing up clothes of the passing season. I am now in the season of pregnant. It a season that lasts much longer than winter, spring or summer alone and encompasses a post-pregnancy period as well. So, I have my 5 outfits for the next 12 months! Oh, boy am I gonna hate these clothes when it's all said and done! I can see why so many people are ready to pass along their maternity wardrobe!
Away went all those t-shirts, shirts, pants, skirts, dresses, and sweaters. It will be a fun day to unpack all these things again! Right about the time I'll be ready to burn my maternity clothes, out will come the big plastic boxes of that prior season and viola! a whole new wardrobe!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Lessons in Love
I have talked until I've grown tired of my own voice. I know the statistics of risk to do the next recommended procedure in relation to not doing it. I have read in my many loaned and bought books, scanned many tale on the internet, called and shared my gleanings over and over. 1 out of 40 out of 1000. But I noticed as I was telling the story of these tests results and my feelings and reactions to this information, once again, I began to feel a quiet glimmer of boredom. How could I be so obsessive? I was tired of hearing what I had to say. But what never wavered was my interest in what others wanted to say. I could listen forever to the many words of reason, encouragement and support I've received these days over what will likely be (98%) a minor memory of this pregnancy. My friends and family have responded cross continents and oceans to listen and reflect and give their opinions and support.
I am feeling the subtle and strong embrace of their love for me, for this baby and Andrew. Their confidence helps me feel stronger. In the face of anything I know they are already here for me, for us. And with that I know I can face anything.
I also have a feeling I am learning a first lesson of parenting. That no matter what I'm faced with I will never move into a decision with 100% certainty. More likely, I will have more decisions to make where 50% certainty will be comforting and 98% a dream come true! I think the more powerful component of this lesson is that my decisions are being made with the best of intentions. I know I am making these decisions based on my desire to hold the best interest of the baby at heart.
I realize all I can do is make a decision from a place of love and genuine desire to have the best results for everyone, the baby, me and Andrew. I can only hope it's with this intention that the universe supports this choice, this act of love and all will be fine. This is an act of surrender, an act of complete faith, an act of trust.
Typically, this would be no problem for me. I always had an ability to believe and trust in the divine flow of life, that all is ultimately good and I can surrender to this goodness. Also, I have always deeply trusted my body over the expertise even of the doctor. I have a deep trust and knowing in the information I receive from my own experience, my own flesh and blood wisdom. But it's not just me here anymore. I am now also considering my commitment to Andrew and the safety and health of a person I have yet to meet but already feel so responsible for, so much consideration for, so much care for. I am an expert in my own body. But this feels like I'm walking between day light and darkness. That I am a novice and should listen to the words of the experts.
So I am, my aunt, Donna. She was ready to discuss this immediately. In fact she already pretty much knew what I was going to say before I even told her. It's the alpha-fetoprotein test results coming back as abnormal. She went on the say that in all her 25+ years in as a professional midwifery nurse practitioner she has never found this test to be doing much more than causing a lot of expecting mothers stress. She soothed my concerns. Yes I understand there are risks. But I am not sick, in fact I am healthy, Andrew is healthy, this baby will be healthy. We feel strongly that we will wait for the next ultrasound and see what the results of this procedure will show.
I feel good about this decision. We both do. And I know this baby will enjoy, at the least, a few more days undisturbed in its universe.
I am feeling the subtle and strong embrace of their love for me, for this baby and Andrew. Their confidence helps me feel stronger. In the face of anything I know they are already here for me, for us. And with that I know I can face anything.
I also have a feeling I am learning a first lesson of parenting. That no matter what I'm faced with I will never move into a decision with 100% certainty. More likely, I will have more decisions to make where 50% certainty will be comforting and 98% a dream come true! I think the more powerful component of this lesson is that my decisions are being made with the best of intentions. I know I am making these decisions based on my desire to hold the best interest of the baby at heart.
I realize all I can do is make a decision from a place of love and genuine desire to have the best results for everyone, the baby, me and Andrew. I can only hope it's with this intention that the universe supports this choice, this act of love and all will be fine. This is an act of surrender, an act of complete faith, an act of trust.
Typically, this would be no problem for me. I always had an ability to believe and trust in the divine flow of life, that all is ultimately good and I can surrender to this goodness. Also, I have always deeply trusted my body over the expertise even of the doctor. I have a deep trust and knowing in the information I receive from my own experience, my own flesh and blood wisdom. But it's not just me here anymore. I am now also considering my commitment to Andrew and the safety and health of a person I have yet to meet but already feel so responsible for, so much consideration for, so much care for. I am an expert in my own body. But this feels like I'm walking between day light and darkness. That I am a novice and should listen to the words of the experts.
So I am, my aunt, Donna. She was ready to discuss this immediately. In fact she already pretty much knew what I was going to say before I even told her. It's the alpha-fetoprotein test results coming back as abnormal. She went on the say that in all her 25+ years in as a professional midwifery nurse practitioner she has never found this test to be doing much more than causing a lot of expecting mothers stress. She soothed my concerns. Yes I understand there are risks. But I am not sick, in fact I am healthy, Andrew is healthy, this baby will be healthy. We feel strongly that we will wait for the next ultrasound and see what the results of this procedure will show.
I feel good about this decision. We both do. And I know this baby will enjoy, at the least, a few more days undisturbed in its universe.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
1 out of 55
Navigating the waters of pregnancy has seemed offer two shores towards which I can simultaneously aim. Both appear to have firm ground to stand on and award a healthy pregnancy and birth upon arrival. One seems to have a scattering of rocky outcroppings fixed and treacherous, with a narrow slip you must skillfully maneuver through to arrive. At first appearance it all seems perfect. It seems beautiful, challenging yet full of promise. But these rocks that appear to be guiding me into this shore are, in fact, deflecting my forward motion, necessitating sharp turns of decision making, other quick, nerve racking adjustments and stress and much anxiety and inevitable tears. Each time I embark toward this shore I feel overwhelmed and out of control. My trust in my own deeper knowing is lost and I feel that I don't have the tools to navigate such ferocious waters. I am alone on a rudderless raft heading straight for the doom and gloom of destiny, clinging to a glimmer of hope that all in the end will be just fine!
The other shore is broad with the gradual rise of land from the waters. The landing seems more about following the natural current than any moves on my part. I feel secure in my abilities here, able to see my destination but also able to watch each wave that passes and carries me forward. I understand the journey is not without its own risk but the risks do not seem to line up one after another or one as a result of the other. It feels that my vessel is fully equipped and I am gaining effortlessly, mind and body together on this trip. Hope and trust are the main guiding forces here not charged with the roll of the buoy.
Today I received the results of my second trimester, sequential screening. I was told I have an abnormal result, meaning there's an increased risk greater than 1 in 270 that the baby will have Down syndrome. I am at a probability rate of 1 in 55. And, of course, now the inevitable "what next" decision. What next? There's the repeatedly mentioned amniocentesis which can give a 99% accurate genetic blueprint of the baby or there's waiting until the next ultrasound which could give visual markers that might offer a more definitive indication if there's need for alarm. Is there really need for alarm?!
Once again I feel the information emanating from this shore is scary, devil in the details oriented and suspect. I breathe less deep. I have no idea what to do. I am of the 5% of women who received an abnormal result and I can look forward to the fact that 5% of the results are false positives and that actually only 4% of those 5% who have abnormal results delivery Downs babies. I'm not good enough at fractions to figure out what 4% of 5% is. 1 in 55. Less than a 2% chance. There's a 98% chance this baby is perfect. As Andrew said, those aren't odds you bet against.
But there's no way to know for certain unless I want to do what I consider a risky, invasive procedure. I've been reading a lot on amniocentesis and many reports indicate a 1 in 47 chance of a procedure induced miscarriage. What!? I feel this is completely unreasonable. If taking one's temperature resulted in 2 out of every 100 people dying we would reconsider this as a safe option. The problem is many miscarriages aren't linked to the amniocentesis. It simply seems to be a spontaneous miscarriage. But what troubles me about this procedure is the nature of it. It is invasive. I am already providing a safe, supportive and protective environment for this small being. I couldn't imagine breaking that trust, that security and sense of ease. When this environment is disrupted a perfectly healthy baby could suddenly potentially be lost.
Ugh, where is the clarity? the confidence? Where's the anchor for these swirling thoughts, fears, and tensions?
What to do next?
My body and mind both say a la cama! Off to bed! These thoughts will still be here tomorrow! This question still patiently waiting my answer.
The other shore is broad with the gradual rise of land from the waters. The landing seems more about following the natural current than any moves on my part. I feel secure in my abilities here, able to see my destination but also able to watch each wave that passes and carries me forward. I understand the journey is not without its own risk but the risks do not seem to line up one after another or one as a result of the other. It feels that my vessel is fully equipped and I am gaining effortlessly, mind and body together on this trip. Hope and trust are the main guiding forces here not charged with the roll of the buoy.
Today I received the results of my second trimester, sequential screening. I was told I have an abnormal result, meaning there's an increased risk greater than 1 in 270 that the baby will have Down syndrome. I am at a probability rate of 1 in 55. And, of course, now the inevitable "what next" decision. What next? There's the repeatedly mentioned amniocentesis which can give a 99% accurate genetic blueprint of the baby or there's waiting until the next ultrasound which could give visual markers that might offer a more definitive indication if there's need for alarm. Is there really need for alarm?!
Once again I feel the information emanating from this shore is scary, devil in the details oriented and suspect. I breathe less deep. I have no idea what to do. I am of the 5% of women who received an abnormal result and I can look forward to the fact that 5% of the results are false positives and that actually only 4% of those 5% who have abnormal results delivery Downs babies. I'm not good enough at fractions to figure out what 4% of 5% is. 1 in 55. Less than a 2% chance. There's a 98% chance this baby is perfect. As Andrew said, those aren't odds you bet against.
But there's no way to know for certain unless I want to do what I consider a risky, invasive procedure. I've been reading a lot on amniocentesis and many reports indicate a 1 in 47 chance of a procedure induced miscarriage. What!? I feel this is completely unreasonable. If taking one's temperature resulted in 2 out of every 100 people dying we would reconsider this as a safe option. The problem is many miscarriages aren't linked to the amniocentesis. It simply seems to be a spontaneous miscarriage. But what troubles me about this procedure is the nature of it. It is invasive. I am already providing a safe, supportive and protective environment for this small being. I couldn't imagine breaking that trust, that security and sense of ease. When this environment is disrupted a perfectly healthy baby could suddenly potentially be lost.
Ugh, where is the clarity? the confidence? Where's the anchor for these swirling thoughts, fears, and tensions?
What to do next?
My body and mind both say a la cama! Off to bed! These thoughts will still be here tomorrow! This question still patiently waiting my answer.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Rounding the corner of 2009 and low and behold....
I'm pregnant!
It doesn't matter how many times I say, write, think this... it still makes me kind of giggle and roll my eyes. Not me! How can this monumental occurance be happening without all the expected planning, organizing, preparation and intention. It is however, happening. Whether I planned it or not, whether I'm prepared or not! And everyday I giggle a bit less, feel less skeptical and a bit less like I'm telling someone else's stories. This is my pregnancy and my experience.
I have thought it would be great to blog about my experience with pregnancy and all that is prenatal. But as it turns out as much as I thought by now I'd have photos of my growing belly, I haven't!
But no time like today to put this into motion! I'm new to blogs, never really read one and not sure how this will pan out.... BUT it seems to be a great way to keep folks updated and have a record of these fleeting moments! I'm already in my second trimester, 18 weeks! whoa! Moments are ever fleeting or should I say warp speeding!
OK so lots has already happened!
Not sure if I should go back and update these past weeks here via journals and date books or just move forward from today! We'll see!
But most important to share is we've got insurance! And we've decided on the Byrn Mawr Birthing Center for our delivery. Last night at a friend's going away party I met a couple and their 3 week old who had their birthing experience at the Bryn Mawr Birthing Center. Their high recommendation coupled with another friend's accounts of her experience there has assured me this is where we want to go!
I feel there is a mystery to how you navigate the terrain of mommy-making. I've stepped more consciously into this process, truly the first trimester was about it sinking into my thick skull. "I'm pregnant. I'm growing a baby inside my belly. There will be a new being in the world soon. I am going to be some one's mother!" Yes, this is all finally sinking in. I'd say it's down a third the way....
Luckily, I'm reminded daily of this truth and I still have twenty something weeks to fully work this into my being.... I imagine the inevitable moment is when I see this baby with my very own eyes! Truly seeing is believing!
It doesn't matter how many times I say, write, think this... it still makes me kind of giggle and roll my eyes. Not me! How can this monumental occurance be happening without all the expected planning, organizing, preparation and intention. It is however, happening. Whether I planned it or not, whether I'm prepared or not! And everyday I giggle a bit less, feel less skeptical and a bit less like I'm telling someone else's stories. This is my pregnancy and my experience.
I have thought it would be great to blog about my experience with pregnancy and all that is prenatal. But as it turns out as much as I thought by now I'd have photos of my growing belly, I haven't!
But no time like today to put this into motion! I'm new to blogs, never really read one and not sure how this will pan out.... BUT it seems to be a great way to keep folks updated and have a record of these fleeting moments! I'm already in my second trimester, 18 weeks! whoa! Moments are ever fleeting or should I say warp speeding!
OK so lots has already happened!
Not sure if I should go back and update these past weeks here via journals and date books or just move forward from today! We'll see!
But most important to share is we've got insurance! And we've decided on the Byrn Mawr Birthing Center for our delivery. Last night at a friend's going away party I met a couple and their 3 week old who had their birthing experience at the Bryn Mawr Birthing Center. Their high recommendation coupled with another friend's accounts of her experience there has assured me this is where we want to go!
I feel there is a mystery to how you navigate the terrain of mommy-making. I've stepped more consciously into this process, truly the first trimester was about it sinking into my thick skull. "I'm pregnant. I'm growing a baby inside my belly. There will be a new being in the world soon. I am going to be some one's mother!" Yes, this is all finally sinking in. I'd say it's down a third the way....
Luckily, I'm reminded daily of this truth and I still have twenty something weeks to fully work this into my being.... I imagine the inevitable moment is when I see this baby with my very own eyes! Truly seeing is believing!
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