Lessons in Love

I have talked until I've grown tired of my own voice. I know the statistics of risk to do the next recommended procedure in relation to not doing it. I have read in my many loaned and bought books, scanned many tale on the internet, called and shared my gleanings over and over. 1 out of 40 out of 1000. But I noticed as I was telling the story of these tests results and my feelings and reactions to this information, once again, I began to feel a quiet glimmer of boredom. How could I be so obsessive? I was tired of hearing what I had to say. But what never wavered was my interest in what others wanted to say. I could listen forever to the many words of reason, encouragement and support I've received these days over what will likely be (98%) a minor memory of this pregnancy. My friends and family have responded cross continents and oceans to listen and reflect and give their opinions and support.

I am feeling the subtle and strong embrace of their love for me, for this baby and Andrew. Their confidence helps me feel stronger. In the face of anything I know they are already here for me, for us. And with that I know I can face anything.

I also have a feeling I am learning a first lesson of parenting. That no matter what I'm faced with I will never move into a decision with 100% certainty. More likely, I will have more decisions to make where 50% certainty will be comforting and 98% a dream come true! I think the more powerful component of this lesson is that my decisions are being made with the best of intentions. I know I am making these decisions based on my desire to hold the best interest of the baby at heart.

I realize all I can do is make a decision from a place of love and genuine desire to have the best results for everyone, the baby, me and Andrew. I can only hope it's with this intention that the universe supports this choice, this act of love and all will be fine. This is an act of surrender, an act of complete faith, an act of trust.

Typically, this would be no problem for me. I always had an ability to believe and trust in the divine flow of life, that all is ultimately good and I can surrender to this goodness. Also, I have always deeply trusted my body over the expertise even of the doctor. I have a deep trust and knowing in the information I receive from my own experience, my own flesh and blood wisdom. But it's not just me here anymore. I am now also considering my commitment to Andrew and the safety and health of a person I have yet to meet but already feel so responsible for, so much consideration for, so much care for. I am an expert in my own body. But this feels like I'm walking between day light and darkness. That I am a novice and should listen to the words of the experts.

So I am, my aunt, Donna. She was ready to discuss this immediately. In fact she already pretty much knew what I was going to say before I even told her. It's the alpha-fetoprotein test results coming back as abnormal. She went on the say that in all her 25+ years in as a professional midwifery nurse practitioner she has never found this test to be doing much more than causing a lot of expecting mothers stress. She soothed my concerns. Yes I understand there are risks. But I am not sick, in fact I am healthy, Andrew is healthy, this baby will be healthy. We feel strongly that we will wait for the next ultrasound and see what the results of this procedure will show.

I feel good about this decision. We both do. And I know this baby will enjoy, at the least, a few more days undisturbed in its universe.